The autistic and 'reading others'

One generalisation of the autistic is that they have trouble 'reading' others, ie. that they miss the facial gestures, voice inflections, body mannerisms, etc necessary to fully understand what this other person is really communicating. As the NTs are purported to be able to do.

But I think this is very inaccurate. What the issue is, I think, is that during conversations the autist can be primarily introspective; they are thinking about themselves, possibly past history/insecurities, and most probably, an unwillingness to even try.

And I think this can be unfair to oneself because some of the common attributes of an autist: single-mindedness, logical reasoning, out-of-the-box thinking could be invaluable in the reading of others.

So try this next time you have an important conversation with someone; turn your focus outward to use the full-range of your attributes to see if you can read this person and to see 'in-between the lines' as to what they are really communicating to you. I think it would be a interesting experiment for autists and it could lead to a greater understanding of not only others but yourself.

Autism does/doesn't define me

I did a google search on "autism does define me". And I was very surprised to see about half the articles stated that autism does define them and other half not. So forget the Internet in answering that question: you must answer that for yourselves.

So do I believe autism defines oneself?

I think about the person that defines themselves as shy. They may say "I'm a shy person". But they have only put a label on themselves, and notice the times they are shy because of the mental model they have created for themselves. But they don't think of or they discount the times they are not shy. You ask them "Are there times you are not shy?". And they will have to think and they will probably grin and say "Yes". So, they have destructively painted themselves with a 'shy' brush. Creating a mental model of yourself is far different than a genetic set of characteristics. (Now I'm not saying that there are not truly shy people, but these people are most likely overly shy because of some genetic reason and not because of any mental model they have formed).

I asked my autistic son if he feels his autism defines him and he answered that he doesn't know life any other way. Which is correct but it's also correct for anyone since we all have different traits.

So the question really is: does your genetic makeup define you? And, again, the answer is grey. Certainly, who you are is DNA-deep. But you may have red hair. Does having red hair define you? You may have a physical deformity. Does that deformity define you?

Thus, the answer must come down to how you define the word 'define'. And, sorry but once again, the answer is grey and personal. Having red hair is very different than having, for example, a birth defect of a cleft lip, or a very noticeable birthmark on your face. A person with red hair may say that this colour doesn't define them but a person with a cleft lip would say absolutely.

I think that a person will say whether a genetic characteristic defines them or not based on how this characteristic affects their integration into the mainstream world. Red hair has little effect, a cleft lip has much more. For example, ask someone with a cleft lip stuck on a desert island all their life whether their lip defines them would say of course not. Would an autistic person stranded on a desert island say their autism defines them?

I have written 7 paragraphs and said nothing. Sigh.

So to finally answer my own question: My grey opinion is that autism does define oneself. It is present in every action they do. It is a part of how they see their world whether they are integrating themselves in the mainstream world or on their own.

And I read this article (which started this whole thought process) and I feel that even though she was writing it with the best intentions, I feel it badly misses the mark. Others may have a different view.

dont-let-autism-be-only-thing-defines-you

Her overall premise is that you somehow must overcome your autistic worldview in order to succeed in the neurotypical world. And this has the affect of subtlety reinforcing a view that the autistic are somehow tainted or not 'right' or incomplete. She writes:

I tell them that they have to believe in themselves. They have to believe they CAN

And I ask myself: What happens if they don't know how to? What happens if they have never tried or failed each time they have? How does a 'belief' come about when there may be nothing to support that belief. And what does 'believing in themselves' mean?

To me it's so blue-sky and hand-wavy to say these things. The devil is in the details.

She comes at the article from the position of being a very high-functioning autistic. It would be like asking Steve Jobs what should the autistic should do. He would probably write exactly what she has written because his personality and autism worked perfectly in unison. His combination was the ideal outcome of autism.

You will have to run a marathon daily to keep up in a neurotypical world. You will have to work harder than your co-workers. You will have to be willing to ask for help. You have to be aware of your needs and you have to be patient with yourself. You have to go that extra mile.

This is the message I dislike the most. It is telling the autistic that not only must they try to think/behave like the neurotypicals but you must strive to be better than them. In fact, this statement is very dangerous. It completely invalidates their autistic world. It is saying that the autistic world is not a valid world and the goal is the neurotypical world. It is the exact opposite of when she said believe in yourself. I think of the stress that these types of messages put on the autistic children and then she writes:

I look for those kids who doubt their future. I see the fear in their eyes and the wonder if they will ever make it independently.

Well, of course they do. You are giving them a monumental task. Be better than the neurotypicals at being neurotypical.

She is forgetting that the devil is in the details. It's the details that determines your path in life. You can have all the hand-wavy quotes but, at the end of the day, it's knowing that actions are the only thing that can make you believe in yourself.

And I have a different message. I believe the autistic person should use their autism as a springboard into the neurotypical world. Be yourself within any world. Be yourself first.

Your happiness is enough.

Really. Imagine if you could be at peace. Think about what you would have to give up. That's right. It's nothing. You have this form and these set of attributes. Ok. How are we going to use these attributes. Because that is all that anyone has.

But happiness is not just walking around smiling all the time. Its about creating a life that you can control. So where are you getting money from? Peace requires money. Where is that money coming from? So your happiness must be real and rational; it must be real world. So work hard, do your own thing, and create that peace. Create the peace. Then you can be happy; you can go to Woolies to buy what you need and you can control about how you live your life.

So given your set of attributes what would make you happy? Everyone will have a different answer. Ok then strive to whatever that goal is. Because happiness is enough. What else would you want other than happiness?

Our purpose is what you make it

You know, when you get to a certain age you begin to question your purpose. The successes of the past seem impossible to replicate; your energy is not sufficient to compete against the younger generation. So you may become lost, seemingly without purpose. And I have thought of this as my father did.

Years ago. I remember driving down to Florida to meet-up with my parents who spent the winters in the warm climate. And one night me and my father went out for a walk and just talked. And he talked about his lack of purpose and his inability to know what to do. He said that he could spend a year writing a book, as he had done previously, but he knew it was pointless because of all the rejections he had had in the past. He didn't know what to do. And I couldn't advise him because I was young and energetic and life was in front of me.

And this became a real problem when my mum died and dad was on his own. He was a very social person and here he was alone and he used to say: when I come into this house, it's like a tomb.

But he found out that a night school in his local area was asking if anyone would like to help out offering English lessons to recently arrived migrants who didn't speak the language. He contacted them and they, probably because no one else offered, accepted him. So here he was, a person that quit school at age 13, but had a charisma and an intellect, and had no idea how to teach these migrants, found himself in front of these people.

But he figured it out. He established connections with these people and the learning happened because of it. More and more people came to the classes. He became 'the Teacher'. The school actually tried to pay him but he was over 70 so the policy was that they couldn't.

When he died, dozens of his old students came to the funeral and some spoke to the audience; in perfect English. Not a dry eye in the house.

I talk of this story because, when you get to a certain age, our purpose is to teach the young.

Caring what other people think creates suffering.

I run a social group for young autistic adults to help with their social interaction skills, and I am also an active participant on the reddit.com/r/aspergers sub-group. A common complaint is the suffering that an autistic person can have when interacting in the 'normal' world.

But it goes beyond the autistic. I know of a young neuro-typical teen who felt that when he was newly introduced to others that those people could recognise his shyness.

The problem in both these examples is that we put too much importance on the opinions and thoughts of others. The autistic care too much about fitting into a world that isn't theirs. The shy teen projects their mental-model of themselves onto other people.

I added the funny cartoon below about Tim because I like his attitude. Tim has it right. Tim isn't being nasty, he's just realising that his enjoyment of life and happiness is determined by himself, not others. Tim understands that his world is good and that is enough.

The autistic inhabit a world where, for a certain part, the mainstream world is not their own. It is confusing, chaotic, noisy, and stressful. And, as I said earlier, much internal suffering comes from not fitting into this other world. But what does 'fitting into' mean? It means creating a persona of someone other than yourself in order to tone down who you are and to 'be' someone else. It is essentially a resignation that you will be rejected by mainstream society if you remain true to yourself.

Firstly, everyone (NT or autistic) needs to understand that people care and think a heck of a lot less about you than you imagine. You acted or spoke strangely to someone today. Ok. People might think of it for a second and then go on with their own lives. They don't care nearly as much as we think they do.

Secondly, we all have to realise that some people will dislike you for no other reason other than who you are. And if this is the case, who's problem is it? I had a job interview before graduating from university. It was a big oil company. I passed the first interview and they scheduled a 2nd interview with some middle manager. I open the door and within about 5 minutes I knew I wasn't getting the job. He was a short, balding, middle-aged manager and I was this young, tall, energetic, young man. We traded perfunctory chat for the next 55 minutes and then I left, never to hear from them again.

And Tim knows this. Tim knows that people are going to form opinions of him all over the map. Some will like him, some will dislike him, and the majority won't care. So why should Tim care then? Because the next group of people will be exactly the same... and the next... the next.

Tim knows that his acceptance from other people depend on who they are, not who he is. He can't control it, so why not just be Tim.

The shy teen mentioned above feels that their audience knows they're shy because of the importance the teen places on the acceptance of others and the mental-model he has created about his own personality. But who knows what they're thinking. The person could be thinking what a handsome person the shy teen is, or thinking about what the shy teen is saying, or thinking about what they will respond with (most likely), or that they have a school assignment due tomorrow that they forgot about, or a billion other things. So the shy teen has no idea with the person is thinking; so why even care? It is completely out of your control.

Caring about something you cannot control creates a downward spiral. You care about the thoughts of others, this creates a mental-model where you question yourself against others, this negative mental-model makes you insecure, etc.

So the autistic need to understand that any non-acceptance by mainstream society is society's problem, not yours. We all have a incomplete set of tools to use in society; this is who you are, and to change who you are or to create a different persona of who you are will create nothing but suffering.
And do you know what will happen if the shy teen or the autistic learns to not care? The tension and anxiety will start to disappear and in it's place will come the liberating feeling of just being yourself with the sole purpose of nothing more than having a good conversation.

And what happens if someone reacts poorly to you? Well, I think of the bald middle manager at times and I know he missed out on a good employee. Tim would understand.