The autistic and 'reading others'

One generalisation of the autistic is that they have trouble 'reading' others, ie. that they miss the facial gestures, voice inflections, body mannerisms, etc necessary to fully understand what this other person is really communicating. As the NTs are purported to be able to do.

But I think this is very inaccurate. What the issue is, I think, is that during conversations the autist can be primarily introspective; they are thinking about themselves, possibly past history/insecurities, and most probably, an unwillingness to even try.

And I think this can be unfair to oneself because some of the common attributes of an autist: single-mindedness, logical reasoning, out-of-the-box thinking could be invaluable in the reading of others.

So try this next time you have an important conversation with someone; turn your focus outward to use the full-range of your attributes to see if you can read this person and to see 'in-between the lines' as to what they are really communicating to you. I think it would be a interesting experiment for autists and it could lead to a greater understanding of not only others but yourself.

Autism does/doesn't define me

I did a google search on "autism does define me". And I was very surprised to see about half the articles stated that autism does define them and other half not. So forget the Internet in answering that question: you must answer that for yourselves.

So do I believe autism defines oneself?

I think about the person that defines themselves as shy. They may say "I'm a shy person". But they have only put a label on themselves, and notice the times they are shy because of the mental model they have created for themselves. But they don't think of or they discount the times they are not shy. You ask them "Are there times you are not shy?". And they will have to think and they will probably grin and say "Yes". So, they have destructively painted themselves with a 'shy' brush. Creating a mental model of yourself is far different than a genetic set of characteristics. (Now I'm not saying that there are not truly shy people, but these people are most likely overly shy because of some genetic reason and not because of any mental model they have formed).

I asked my autistic son if he feels his autism defines him and he answered that he doesn't know life any other way. Which is correct but it's also correct for anyone since we all have different traits.

So the question really is: does your genetic makeup define you? And, again, the answer is grey. Certainly, who you are is DNA-deep. But you may have red hair. Does having red hair define you? You may have a physical deformity. Does that deformity define you?

Thus, the answer must come down to how you define the word 'define'. And, sorry but once again, the answer is grey and personal. Having red hair is very different than having, for example, a birth defect of a cleft lip, or a very noticeable birthmark on your face. A person with red hair may say that this colour doesn't define them but a person with a cleft lip would say absolutely.

I think that a person will say whether a genetic characteristic defines them or not based on how this characteristic affects their integration into the mainstream world. Red hair has little effect, a cleft lip has much more. For example, ask someone with a cleft lip stuck on a desert island all their life whether their lip defines them would say of course not. Would an autistic person stranded on a desert island say their autism defines them?

I have written 7 paragraphs and said nothing. Sigh.

So to finally answer my own question: My grey opinion is that autism does define oneself. It is present in every action they do. It is a part of how they see their world whether they are integrating themselves in the mainstream world or on their own.

And I read this article (which started this whole thought process) and I feel that even though she was writing it with the best intentions, I feel it badly misses the mark. Others may have a different view.

dont-let-autism-be-only-thing-defines-you

Her overall premise is that you somehow must overcome your autistic worldview in order to succeed in the neurotypical world. And this has the affect of subtlety reinforcing a view that the autistic are somehow tainted or not 'right' or incomplete. She writes:

I tell them that they have to believe in themselves. They have to believe they CAN

And I ask myself: What happens if they don't know how to? What happens if they have never tried or failed each time they have? How does a 'belief' come about when there may be nothing to support that belief. And what does 'believing in themselves' mean?

To me it's so blue-sky and hand-wavy to say these things. The devil is in the details.

She comes at the article from the position of being a very high-functioning autistic. It would be like asking Steve Jobs what should the autistic should do. He would probably write exactly what she has written because his personality and autism worked perfectly in unison. His combination was the ideal outcome of autism.

You will have to run a marathon daily to keep up in a neurotypical world. You will have to work harder than your co-workers. You will have to be willing to ask for help. You have to be aware of your needs and you have to be patient with yourself. You have to go that extra mile.

This is the message I dislike the most. It is telling the autistic that not only must they try to think/behave like the neurotypicals but you must strive to be better than them. In fact, this statement is very dangerous. It completely invalidates their autistic world. It is saying that the autistic world is not a valid world and the goal is the neurotypical world. It is the exact opposite of when she said believe in yourself. I think of the stress that these types of messages put on the autistic children and then she writes:

I look for those kids who doubt their future. I see the fear in their eyes and the wonder if they will ever make it independently.

Well, of course they do. You are giving them a monumental task. Be better than the neurotypicals at being neurotypical.

She is forgetting that the devil is in the details. It's the details that determines your path in life. You can have all the hand-wavy quotes but, at the end of the day, it's knowing that actions are the only thing that can make you believe in yourself.

And I have a different message. I believe the autistic person should use their autism as a springboard into the neurotypical world. Be yourself within any world. Be yourself first.

Turning the autistic's special interest into something more

We all know that the autistic have special interests, and some of the autistic are quite remarkable in regards to this interest; they may have an innate talent, they may have unrelenting drive and passion, they may have an insight that others just don't have. 

The key then is to find a way to turn that into something that creates an opportunity outside themselves. Start to find out if others have this same interest. If so, start asking yourself some questions. If others are interested, how can I help these others in this interest? What can I provide that will help these others? Be the person that creates services which surround this interest. Find ways to promote and grow this interest with the others that have the similar interest. If others have no interest, what things can I do that may pique the interest in others? In other words, how can I create a following? Then the key becomes being the one that creates this following, and this may become valuable.

Think of ways to promote this interest in both the others with similar interests or to bring others into your interest. Test the waters. Be innovative. Try things, fail, regroup, think some more, succeed. But everything they do remains within that interest.

Suppose your interest is birds. Well, websites are incredibly easy and cheap to setup these days. Create a website at www.worldofbirds.net. Start a blog. Create a reddit subgroup: worldofbirds. Create a youtube channel. Etc. There are hundreds of avenues to check out.

Now the autistic person may not quite understand how to do this or even the potential of this. And that's fine so we need to help them in the initial stages. Help them to find these other people, test things out, and/or help determine if any potential opportunities exist. But once the autistic start to see their interest grow, this service to others may start to become part of their interest. Yes, they still love their interest but they also love the feeling of being part of something bigger than themselves.

Why ActiveGoals?

ActiveGOALS

The Person

ActiveGOALS is about Progress. It allows anyone to track their goals, setup routines/tasks/notifications, journal your experiences.

Yes, at the end of the day, it's about progress. In fact, it's all about small continuous progress; lots of small constant little steps because all those little steps adds up to a journey. The life you ultimately have is the life that you choose. No sugar-coating about it. So lets get going. The goals await. And ActiveGOALS will push you. I created this platform because I deal a lot with the autistic community and I knew this platform can help them. But it can be used by anyone who wants to further themselves.

The only way a fear can dissolve is if your actions allow it to dissolve. You can have all the help in the world and that's great, but ultimately you are still the one that must go out and face your fears. I have built ActiveGOALS to help you do this.

ActiveGOALS has 2 main advantages:

• You can allow anyone else access to your details. You may want a parent or carer to be able to view your goals and your progress. You may want a mental health professional to access your details and make notes, suggestions, plans, etc to guide and assist you.
• Here's the big one. ActiveGOALS pushes you. It doesn't allow you to do nothing. You set a goal or a task? Fine. ActiveGOALS will make sure that tasks are done and progress is made. You miss doing a routine? ActiveGOALS will ask why you missed it. Get ready for lots of SMSs. You don't like this? No problem. Don't use ActiveGOALS.

ActiveGOALS is FREE-of-charge for anyone to use including parents/carers. (Mental Health professionals - please call me.)

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." - Christopher Robin to Winnie-the-Pooh.

The Parent

ActiveGOALS is about Working together.

At the end of the day, our job as parents is to produce fully-functioning adults. We want our kids, regardless of needs, to be able to function as independently as possible. We are not going to be around forever.

So we need to put practices in-place today which prepare our kids for independency. They need to strive for goals, and most importantly, have the responsibility and the authority to manage their own path. We need to act as guides rather than doing the work for them.

There was been a recent tendency to coddle our children, to prevent them from failing, to unnecessarily protect them. This doesn't help them. We all know that failure is a big part of gaining life lessons. We also know the value in terms of self-esteem, confidence, inner happiness when our kids strive for a goal themselves and make it happen. A child's constant pursuit and attainment of small goals will ultimately prepare them for the time when they must (or hope to) become masters of their own fate.

ActiveGOALS gives your kids the power to plan and implement their own path/plans, and you can monitor the progress of your children via this platform, and be the guide and overseer as we should be.

The Mental Health Professional

ActiveGOALS is about Communication.

Most mental health professionals provide wonderful services and care deeply about their patients. But as a parent myself of an autistic child who underwent therapy I questioned the value of a weekly 50 minute session. It seemed that my son had to reengage the relationship with the therapist each time. I completely understand the business side of a practice which one of the reasons why I developed ActiveGOALS.

The fact that ActiveGOALS gives the parents access to their child's progress means that both the child and the parents are on the same-page and both vested into ensuring the greatest chance of the success of this child. This coupled with firm support from a mental health professoinal will give the child every possible chance of success in taking control of their lives and health.

ActiveGOALS allows you to monitor the progress of the patient, add tasks/actions, add documents which you feel are worthwhile, add or update a plan, and/or respond quickly to any change in the patient's mental health.

Important!!!
ActiveGOALS also interacts with the IBM Watson AI services and can take text written by your patients (600 words or more), and analyse it to produce 55 personality traits. Use it as another tool for your diagnosis of a patient, or see any changes in your patients personalities over time.

Eric Handbury
M: 0417 116 425
E: activegoals.net@gmail.com
W: https://www.activegoals.net

Our purpose is what you make it

You know, when you get to a certain age you begin to question your purpose. The successes of the past seem impossible to replicate; your energy is not sufficient to compete against the younger generation. So you may become lost, seemingly without purpose. And I have thought of this as my father did.

Years ago. I remember driving down to Florida to meet-up with my parents who spent the winters in the warm climate. And one night me and my father went out for a walk and just talked. And he talked about his lack of purpose and his inability to know what to do. He said that he could spend a year writing a book, as he had done previously, but he knew it was pointless because of all the rejections he had had in the past. He didn't know what to do. And I couldn't advise him because I was young and energetic and life was in front of me.

And this became a real problem when my mum died and dad was on his own. He was a very social person and here he was alone and he used to say: when I come into this house, it's like a tomb.

But he found out that a night school in his local area was asking if anyone would like to help out offering English lessons to recently arrived migrants who didn't speak the language. He contacted them and they, probably because no one else offered, accepted him. So here he was, a person that quit school at age 13, but had a charisma and an intellect, and had no idea how to teach these migrants, found himself in front of these people.

But he figured it out. He established connections with these people and the learning happened because of it. More and more people came to the classes. He became 'the Teacher'. The school actually tried to pay him but he was over 70 so the policy was that they couldn't.

When he died, dozens of his old students came to the funeral and some spoke to the audience; in perfect English. Not a dry eye in the house.

I talk of this story because, when you get to a certain age, our purpose is to teach the young.

Employment and the Autistic

My son is a 23yo high-functioning aspergers. He has full-time employment now as an at-home travel consultant for Princess Cruises answering chat sessions from agents and the public.

He is the ideal employee. He sits down at his terminal a few minutes before 3pm, gets ready and away he goes, he takes his allotted break at 5pm for only the 10 minutes and then is back on. He works until 7pm or until his last call is finished. He has never called in sick, and has never made a fuss. If he needs help, he asks. He just works and does his job.

Now I have employed many many people and this is what a manager wants more than anything. Someone that, day-in/day-out, just does their job. Creates no hassle and consequently no issues or work for management. Managers have enough issues on their plates, and to have an employee who creates no hassles and just does their job is invaluable.

And I bet every autistic person who is employed is like this. We are all a manager's dream.

And even if you are autistic and aren't employed, I bet you have the same characteristic. I bet that if you have an appointment somewhere that you plan ahead and make sure that, regardless of how far and what mode of transport you take, you will arrive on time.

This is how we compete in the workforce. We need to update our resumes to accentuate and promote this advantage.

Caring what other people think creates suffering.

I run a social group for young autistic adults to help with their social interaction skills, and I am also an active participant on the reddit.com/r/aspergers sub-group. A common complaint is the suffering that an autistic person can have when interacting in the 'normal' world.

But it goes beyond the autistic. I know of a young neuro-typical teen who felt that when he was newly introduced to others that those people could recognise his shyness.

The problem in both these examples is that we put too much importance on the opinions and thoughts of others. The autistic care too much about fitting into a world that isn't theirs. The shy teen projects their mental-model of themselves onto other people.

I added the funny cartoon below about Tim because I like his attitude. Tim has it right. Tim isn't being nasty, he's just realising that his enjoyment of life and happiness is determined by himself, not others. Tim understands that his world is good and that is enough.

The autistic inhabit a world where, for a certain part, the mainstream world is not their own. It is confusing, chaotic, noisy, and stressful. And, as I said earlier, much internal suffering comes from not fitting into this other world. But what does 'fitting into' mean? It means creating a persona of someone other than yourself in order to tone down who you are and to 'be' someone else. It is essentially a resignation that you will be rejected by mainstream society if you remain true to yourself.

Firstly, everyone (NT or autistic) needs to understand that people care and think a heck of a lot less about you than you imagine. You acted or spoke strangely to someone today. Ok. People might think of it for a second and then go on with their own lives. They don't care nearly as much as we think they do.

Secondly, we all have to realise that some people will dislike you for no other reason other than who you are. And if this is the case, who's problem is it? I had a job interview before graduating from university. It was a big oil company. I passed the first interview and they scheduled a 2nd interview with some middle manager. I open the door and within about 5 minutes I knew I wasn't getting the job. He was a short, balding, middle-aged manager and I was this young, tall, energetic, young man. We traded perfunctory chat for the next 55 minutes and then I left, never to hear from them again.

And Tim knows this. Tim knows that people are going to form opinions of him all over the map. Some will like him, some will dislike him, and the majority won't care. So why should Tim care then? Because the next group of people will be exactly the same... and the next... the next.

Tim knows that his acceptance from other people depend on who they are, not who he is. He can't control it, so why not just be Tim.

The shy teen mentioned above feels that their audience knows they're shy because of the importance the teen places on the acceptance of others and the mental-model he has created about his own personality. But who knows what they're thinking. The person could be thinking what a handsome person the shy teen is, or thinking about what the shy teen is saying, or thinking about what they will respond with (most likely), or that they have a school assignment due tomorrow that they forgot about, or a billion other things. So the shy teen has no idea with the person is thinking; so why even care? It is completely out of your control.

Caring about something you cannot control creates a downward spiral. You care about the thoughts of others, this creates a mental-model where you question yourself against others, this negative mental-model makes you insecure, etc.

So the autistic need to understand that any non-acceptance by mainstream society is society's problem, not yours. We all have a incomplete set of tools to use in society; this is who you are, and to change who you are or to create a different persona of who you are will create nothing but suffering.
And do you know what will happen if the shy teen or the autistic learns to not care? The tension and anxiety will start to disappear and in it's place will come the liberating feeling of just being yourself with the sole purpose of nothing more than having a good conversation.

And what happens if someone reacts poorly to you? Well, I think of the bald middle manager at times and I know he missed out on a good employee. Tim would understand.