Monday 3 February 2020

Caring what other people think creates suffering.

I run a social group for young autistic adults to help with their social interaction skills, and I am also an active participant on the reddit.com/r/aspergers sub-group. A common complaint is the suffering that an autistic person can have when interacting in the 'normal' world.

But it goes beyond the autistic. I know of a young neuro-typical teen who felt that when he was newly introduced to others that those people could recognise his shyness.

The problem in both these examples is that we put too much importance on the opinions and thoughts of others. The autistic care too much about fitting into a world that isn't theirs. The shy teen projects their mental-model of themselves onto other people.

I added the funny cartoon below about Tim because I like his attitude. Tim has it right. Tim isn't being nasty, he's just realising that his enjoyment of life and happiness is determined by himself, not others. Tim understands that his world is good and that is enough.


The autistic inhabit a world where, for a certain part, the mainstream world is not their own. It is confusing, chaotic, noisy, and stressful. And, as I said earlier, much internal suffering comes from not fitting into this other world. But what does 'fitting into' mean? It means creating a persona of someone other than yourself in order to tone down who you are and to 'be' someone else. It is essentially a resignation that you will be rejected by mainstream society if you remain true to yourself.

Firstly, everyone (NT or autistic) needs to understand that people care and think a heck of a lot less about you than you imagine. You acted or spoke strangely to someone today. Ok. People might think of it for a second and then go on with their own lives. They don't care nearly as much as we think they do.

Secondly, we all have to realise that some people will dislike you for no other reason other than who you are. And if this is the case, who's problem is it? I had a job interview before graduating from university. It was a big oil company. I passed the first interview and they scheduled a 2nd interview with some middle manager. I open the door and within about 5 minutes I knew I wasn't getting the job. He was a short, balding, middle-aged manager and I was this young, tall, energetic, young man. We traded perfunctory chat for the next 55 minutes and then I left, never to hear from them again.

And Tim knows this. Tim knows that people are going to form opinions of him all over the map. Some will like him, some will dislike him, and the majority won't care. So why should Tim care then? Because the next group of people will be exactly the same... and the next... the next.

Tim knows that his acceptance from other people depend on who they are, not who he is. He can't control it, so why not just be Tim.

The shy teen mentioned above feels that their audience knows they're shy because of the importance the teen places on the acceptance of others and the mental-model he has created about his own personality. But who knows what they're thinking. The person could be thinking what a handsome person the shy teen is, or thinking about what the shy teen is saying, or thinking about what they will respond with (most likely), or that they have a school assignment due tomorrow that they forgot about, or a billion other things. So the shy teen has no idea with the person is thinking; so why even care? It is completely out of your control.

Caring about something you cannot control creates a downward spiral. You care about the thoughts of others, this creates a mental-model where you question yourself against others, this negative mental-model makes you insecure, etc.

So the autistic need to understand that any non-acceptance by mainstream society is society's problem, not yours. We all have a incomplete set of tools to use in society; this is who you are, and to change who you are or to create a different persona of who you are will create nothing but suffering.
And do you know what will happen if the shy teen or the autistic learns to not care? The tension and anxiety will start to disappear and in it's place will come the liberating feeling of just being yourself with the sole purpose of nothing more than having a good conversation.

And what happens if someone reacts poorly to you? Well, I think of the bald middle manager at times and I know he missed out on a good employee. Tim would understand.

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